Christmas Countdown Day 10: The Gift that Keeps Giving.

In lieu of actual commentary I'm just going give you guys this early Christmas present I found last night. Brand new SFA single and it's a Christmas video even though not really a Christmas song. Enjoy.

Christmas Countdown Day 9: Christmas Songs as Sung by Animals

I decided to lump a few songs into one post today. One of the recurring things I’ve been told about my countdown is that I’ve been picking primarily obscure Christmas songs that people hadn’t really heard before. I’ve been picking on the new Christmas songs and have been shying away from the classics.

Well, the time to knock a few classics down has come. Granted, I’m not actually going to be picking on the songs themselves, the following songs, in their original format are great and have stood the test of time for a reason. What makes them the target today is the fact that these renditions are performed by animals.

This horribly annoying fad started waaay back in 1955 when a Dutchman by the name of Carl Weismann was recording some birds (as he was known to do back in those days) but always had the problem of dog barks in the background. He became very good at clipping the dog barks from the recording but was ultimately left with several lengths of tape of dogs barking. He thought it’d be funny to re-cut the tape so that it sounded like the dogs were barking Jingle Bells and put musical accompaniment behind it. The records sold like hot cakes if hot cakes sold 500,000 on their first printing. This recording re-surfaced in the ‘70s and became a Christmas tradition to this day.

Fair enough, a guy was stuck with some crap he didn’t want and decided to make something out of it. Good for him. And I even get the novelty of the Singing Dogs, it was cute the first couple of times I heard it when I was 5.

In the ‘90s a cockmonkey named Lookime Imadumbfuck (I think he was from Iceland) thought it’d be cool to have cats do a whole album of Christmas tunes and thus Jingle Cats was formed. They had two hit Christmas CDs, Meowy Christmas and Here Comes Santa Claws which were followed by a CD of popular standards as Home On The Range, Give My Regards to Broadway and Dueling Banjos.

Dueling Fuck Banjos!

Mr. Imadumbfuck also thought he’d rip off the very thing that started this whole fad and have his band of puppies called, creatively enough, Jingle Dogs.

A few years went by and eventually we were given a few more novelty Christmas albums. Christmas Classics as Performed by Power Tools (which, in all honesty, has kind of a Stomp quality to it and is kinda cool.), Christmas Classics Renamed to Sound Funny and then Performed By Farts, (The CD really blows, but the song title Silent but Deadly Night is, admittedly rather clever) and the piece of resistance, Merry Clucking Christmas which isn’t so much a CD of Caroling Chickens as it is a Christmas Classics as Sung by Some Guy Pretending to be a Chicken.

The fuck!? If I knew all I had to do to have a hit Christmas CD was cluck like a chicken in front of instrumental versions of holiday classics I’d have made my first million years ago!

Christmas Countdown 8: Christmassacre

Peanut Butter and Chocolate. Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Some things were simply meant to be together, their union making all right with the world. And then there's this mix of Christmas and Hate Rock, which undoes everything that Peanut Butter and Chocolate worked so hard to create. One of the main offendees is Christmassacre by From First to Last

The thing that disappoints me about this song is that I always thought it'd be the perfect title for a Dethklok Christmas parody song. Now if that happens the whole thing would feel somewhat lessened by this crap. You know they're going to do a Christmas single, and that it will be the most brutal Christmas single of all time.

There are many things fundamentally wrong with this song. The chorus has two charges.

The first charge is for listeners not to forget their Christmas cheer because Santa's gonna die this year. Santa's going to die by the hands of From First to Last and there's really nothing you can do about it. Fair enough. You can't have a brutal Christmas song without threatening the life of Santa or the Baby Jesus at least once.

But then the second half of the Chorus, word for word, is:

"Pete Wentz plays in Fall Out Boy
Here's his number, girls and boys:
847-40-0-48, 1 and 4."

Maybe this is so you can thank him for all his work with the Invisible Children foundation and his support of the Displace Me program.

But this is a Christmas song... where the message is clear. Call the guy from Fall Out Boy. Just call him. He'll be happy to hear from you this season, your call will really brighten his day.... and also kill Santa.

Christmas Countdown 7: Cashing in on Christmas

I'm going to take a break from making fun of Christmas songs that I despise and take on a song that I actually enjoy and only recently discovered existed.

Some of you may be familiar with the fake Glam Rock band Bad News. The best way to describe Bad News, for those of you who have never heard of them is that it's Spinal Tap featuring the cast of the Young Ones. Honestly, Spinal Tap is better, but Bad News certainly has their qualities.

Anyway, last night I was cleaning up my hard drive when I found that I had put my copy of the Bad News album on there and that I still hadn't really listened to it. It has some classic songs like "Masturbike" and a hilariously awful cover of "Bohemian Rhapsody" but the thing that caught my attention was a song called "Cashing in on Christmas"

It's brilliant and actually describes what I think is so wrong about so many of the new Christmas songs. I'll pull a couple lyrical excerpts for you:

"This is our Christmas single
Please make it number 1
And give us all your money
To make our Christmas fun"

"Please give as generously as you can to Bad News this Christmas, because, remember,
There are people in the world who are much better at spending your money than you are,
And that's us. Ha ha, merry Christmas!"

"Sorry I can't be with you this Christmas
But I'm in the Carribean with all your money
Having a good drink and a laugh
Have a nice one, merry Christmas"

Musically the song is crap, but I think that's part of the idea of Bad News. Spinal Tap was a story of a fake Glam band who was actually pretty good, Bad News is just awful and everyone knows it. Lyrically, this song makes me want to sit down and watch as many episodes of Young Ones, Bottom, Filthy Rich and Catflap and Dangerous Brothers as I can find. (With a smattering of New Statesman for good measure).

Cheers!

Christmas Countdown Day 6: Funky Funky Christmas

Ahh, 1989. What a eventful year. The Berlin wall began to crumble at the hands of a long oppressed people. An earthquake measuring a 7.1 on the Richter scale hits the San Fransisco area right before Game 3 of the World Series becoming the first major Earthquake ever to be recorded on live TV. It was in 1989 that a lone Chinese student stood against a swarm of tanks, inspiring an entire world to stand for what they believe in.

This year also marks the release of the New Kids on the Block Christmas album, "Merry Merry Christmas" featuring covers of classic Christmas standards including "The Little Drummer Boy," "The Christmas Song," and a cover of "White Christmas" that I believe to be directly responsible for Irving Berlin's death a mere three days after this album was released of a heart attack. I'm not making that up.

It also features some original material including "This One's for the Children," "I Still Believe in Santa Clause" and today's featured tragedy, "Funky, Funky, Xmas"

This song features these would be has-beens (which isn't fair, Donnie did go on to be the cop from the Saw movies) white-rapping about how Santa is bored with Christmas and wants to have a funky Christmas instead. What makes this interesting is that this song is very much the diametric opposite of funky. This is made obvious due to aforementioned fact that this song features the New Kids on the Block rapping about Christmas.

They each get their turn in the spotlight. Jordan K feels Christmas and asks Santa to "kick the ballistics," which I assume is in reference to his plea for peace in the world, no more bombs or missiles or... wait. Never mind it's a clever play on words, he actually wants Santa to kick his brother in the balls. Which he apparently does because he's the only member to not have his own bit in this piece. He's also the only one not to go on to be in the entertainment industry. He now sells real estate.

Joey McIntyre, or as I like to call him, "Stupid McFattypants" (Aren't I clever), has maybe one of the best bits. He spins a yarn of how he came downstairs and saw Santa, who was none to happy with him I can tell you. Apparently Joey had left the fireplace on and as a result Santa scorched his ass. The moral of the story: Turn the fireplace off. >When they performed this song on Arsenio Hall Joey was the one that sucked extra hard (which, I heard, is how he made the super-group in the first place.)

Danny explains to us that while he's in town he's getting down to the Christmas beat and then shows that Snowing, Throwing, Showing and ho-ho-hoing aren't just rhymes but rather FRESH rhymes.

Which must be the case because then Donnie (in his best Mark Mark impression) tells us that it should be impossible to boo this funky dope jam if he's doing it. Which is interesting because I find the fact that any of them are doing this insanely easy to boo, if it weren't for the fact that I never actually say Boo. I usually just point and laugh...

HA! HA! HA! HA!

Christmas Countdown Day 5: Christmas Shoes

I'm not a heartless man. I think it's that very reason that I hate with a capital H A T and E the Christmas Shoes song.

If you haven't heard this song yet you haven't been listening. It's a bout a little boy who is trying to buy a pair of shoes for his mom for Christmas because she's going to die any minute and he wants her to look pretty for Jesus. He doesn't have enough money so the guy behind him in line, our gullible singer, buys them for him.

Let's forget the fact that this could easily be one of the greatest Christmas scams of all time! Let's forget the fact that the kid waited until Christmas Eve to get her the shoes so his mom would look pretty when she died, which could be any day now. If she kicked it before Christmas Jesus might send her to hell, what with not having the right shoes on.

Let's forget all of that.

I don't think I have ever in the the history of my life heard a Christmas song that is designed specifically for the purpose of masterbating our heart strings. This song is the blow up doll of carols. The dildo of yuletide tunes. The Fleshlight of Holiday Cheer. There's no heart in this song, whatsoever. It makes me cry that this song makes people cry.


In preparation for this write-up I checked out the video on Youtube. It consists of clips from the CBS special staring Rob Lowe and one guy singing while the rest of his band sits around, obviously disgusted that they're part of this tripe.


But the best part is that the premise of the song is that the kid wants to buy these shoes for his mom so she looks beautiful when she dies and sees the Baby Jesus in heaven. So he goes and finds what could possibly be the ugliest shoes I have ever seen in my life, thinking that that oughta do the trick. HA!

The moral of the song is that it is supposed to remind us what Christmas is all about... buying shoes. Kelly was right.

Christmas Countdown Day 4: Backdoor Santa

It's not that I don't respect Bon Jovi. I do. You've gotta respect the Jovi. It's just that sometimes he makes it really really really hard to. Really. Let's take Backdoor Santa for example.

Now Backdoor Santa sounds like it should be a Wham! song, but it's not. This is a song about a guy who always gives it up for a touch of the younger kind. (My Sharona... ma-ma-ma My Sharona)

I'm actually at a loss on this one. With lines like "I keep the little girls happy while the little boys are away." and "I kept that door open, in case anyone smells a mouse." Sure you MIGHT be able to interpret this song as a guy who dresses up as Aanta and goes around fucking married women. which only makes the song mildly more palatable.

When I hear this song I envision a guy dressed up as Santa scanning MySpace profiles for "sexy" 13-Year olds. He finds one, PrtyPnyGril94. They talk for a while and eventually end up setting up a sex date at her place.

Our santa, who goes by BckdrSnta69 arrives at the little girl's house and is led to the backyard wehre she has made some frozen lemonade. He sits down as asks if she wants to sit on his lap. She giggles and says "Hold on, let me go change into my bathing suit." BckdrSnta69, laughs a jovial "Ho Ho Ho. And says that she had better hurry or she'll go on his naughty list." She laughs and calls from inside the house, "I thought you want me to be naughty!" "Yes... Joy to the World! That'd be wonderful!"

Then Dateline's Chris Hansen comes around a corner. "Hi there. "

"Oh shit," would reply our predator. "You're fucking Chris Hansen from Dateline! I knew it!"

"Can I ask what you're doing here?"

"I, uh, I came to visit my friend, but, uh, he's not home yet so his daughter let me in."

"Uh huh... let's see what you have in your bag..."

"Oh christ..."

Chris Hansen opens up Santa's sac and finds, amongst other things, condoms and lubricant. "You aren't here to see a friend. You're here to have sex with that girl. Let's see what you said in the chat? 'I want to slide down your chimney while your sleeping and eat your cookies.' What does that even mean?"

"I just..."

"She's 13 years old."

"I... I screwed up. I really did."

"I just want to tell you that I'm Chris Hansen and you're being videotaped for To Catch a Predator. You can leave anytime you want."

Backdoor Santa would leave and be immediately arrested by authorities.

The fact Jet thought this song was good enough to cover makes me want to vomit kittens

Christmas Countdown Day 3: Last Christmas

There are many time-honored Christmas traditions. Mistletoe, family dinners, snuggling up with a loved one by the fire. Today I'm going to touch on the less popular tradition of re-gifting.

The song today is about that very subject, Last Christmas by Wham!.

The chorus talks about how last Christmas George Michael gave some dude his heart but the very next day (boxing day to my Canadian friends) he gave it away. Someone re-gifted George Michael's emotions like it was a fruit cake. So one day George Michael is fawning over some guy on Christmas, goes to bed and then wakes up in love with someone else.

We've all been there. We've spent Christmas with the family and had to leave to go to another party. Before you leave you find out that everyone else is bringing a gift. You were certain the e-mail said no gifts, but if everyone else is doing it you don't want to seem like a cheapskate. But it's Christmas and every thing's closed. You frantically look around the house for something to pass off as a gift. It has to be something new in box or it'll just seem like you grabbed the pot off the stove and wrapped it up.

Well, with the exception of all the new gifts nothing really fits that description. So you begin to go thorugh the gifts to see what you could do without. Not the Atari (it's the '80s, mind you)! Even one of the games would seem okay but you waited so long for the ET game to come out you're NOT going to just give it away. And the Chia Pet always looked cool in the commericals and you really want to see what the big deal is so you can't give THAT away.

Then you see it, out of the corner of your eye. Is that? Oh that'd be perfect! George Michael's heart! You re-wrap it and throw a tag on it marked to: ? and put it in the present pile at the new party. Who ends up with this gift of George Michael's heart? Why it's senator Larry Craig! Glory hole! Glory hole! Hallelujah!

Seriously though, I'm not entirely sure why this song is played so frequently on the Christmas station. Because let's be perfectly honest here, it's not a Christmas song. It's a song about how George Michael got dumped, disguised as a Christmas song. It's really rather pathetic. And to think Andrew Ridgeley had a hand in it.

Christmas Countdown Day 2: Dominic the Donkey

At the risk of offending my Italian friends and readers (I have readers?) I have decided to poke fun at that adorable little mobster of a donkey, Dominic. Be warned, this bit of rabble-rousery contains many Italian stereotypes, but so does my bashing of it. Dominic opened the door, I just walked through it.

So anyway, this little Christmas jingle jangle is about an Italian Donkey named Dominic (Dominique?) who helps Santa out when he goes to Italy because the reindeer are unable to climb the hills there.

Are you kidding me? I may be off on my Christmas lore but can't Santa's reindeer fly? Is that the whole point of him having those particular reindeer? My theory is that the reindeer, what with their ability to fly, can handle the hills of Italy just fine. Santa actually owes a favor to Dominic's cousin, Mario, the Italian Christmas Plumber. Maybe Mario saved Santa from Bertoli DiGiorno, the Italian Christmas Pizza maker. In return, every Christmas Santa has to pretend that he needs the help of Dominic so he can feel special.

Verse two, we find that Dominic actually is the one in charge of the little town on the hill. He wears the mayor's derby is just another way of saying he's got the local government in his back pocket. It goes on to say that one of the gifts he brings is a pair of shoes for Louie. What it doesn't tell you is that these shoes are, in fact, cement, as Louie is meant to sleep with Fredo, Sergio and um, I don't know, Wario the Italian Christmas Fishes as well as Michelangelo, the Italian Christmas Ninja Turtle.

Verse three, we find that the kids speak Italian to Dominic and he understands. What this is in reference to is not so different from that scene at hhe beginning of the Godfather where people go and petition the Godfather on the day of his daughter's wedding while wishing that their first child is a masculine one (it's okay if it's a girl, so long as she's butch.) Dominic can't refuse any petition made to him on Chrismas. It's a strange tradition, but it's 100% true. I looked it up.

If I offended any of my Italian Christmas Readers out there I'm very sorry. I think I'm still a little upset at the ending of the Sopranos and am taking it out on Dominic.

Christmas Countdown Day 1: Christmas Wishes

Today marks my 3 weeks until Christmas countdown. What am I going to do for this quaint little series of posts counting down to the yuletide? I'm pretty sure that I just gonna make fun of Christmas songs. I was riding around in the car with the Christmas carol radio station blaring out the window and actually thought that there are a number of songs that I would like to dissect and make fun of.

Today's song in our 21 Songs of Christmas is Anne Murray's Christmas Wishes.

This song is about what Anne Murray would wish for if the fabled Christmas Genie decided to grant her three wishes.
What might these three wishes be, I hear you asking by using my super-hearing granted to me by the fabled Christmas Genie last year?

Wish one:
Anne Murray wishes for peace on earth, good will toward men and love in all that we do.

Noble enough, but unless my counting skills have failed me that's all three wishes right there. Now I know that this SHOULD really count as one wish, but I also know genies don't work that way. Wording is always always always important when dealing with genies, especially those of the Christmas variety. Most genies would count this as three wishes and she'd have spent them all on, essentially, one thing. Assuming she finds the even more fabled Christmas Genies that doesn't take every wish you make so damn literally she moves on to her second wish. I learned that the hard way when I wished for an autographed copy of Doctor Faustus. Now I have a copy of Docotr Faustus that's been autographed by the elusive Christmas Genie.

Wish two:
She then wishes it would go on forever for people like herself and the person she's singing to. Probably some dude.

Anyway, she only wishes that her first wish goes on forever for people like her. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. Her second wish is that people who are not like her get a taste of peace on earth and have it violently ripped away from them like so much old wallpaper. While this is not what she meant, she is dealing with a genie, who will take her words literally. This is why I need to be a Canadian. That way if Anne Murray gets her Christmas wishes I won't have to worry about the fallout of the second wish.

Her third wish makes me laugh.

Her third wish is contingent on the other wishes being used up already and is simply that her third wish would be to share her wishes with the person she's singing to.

She says that her third wish would only be so if her other wishes came true aka were used up. If I was the guy she was singing to and she said "I got three wishes and I get to share them with you. At first I'd be excited until she said, "I got world peace for all Canadians. That took me two wishes and for the third wish I get to share my wishes with you."

"Oh, so you used them up." I'd say. "I don't have a say in what we wish for? Because clearly you don't know how to deal with the elusive and fabled Christmas Genie."

"But..."

"No 'buts', Anne Murray. You really screwed up this time... what was that last wish for? To rub it in my face!? Blow me, Anne Murray"

And she would have to, because that was my third Christmas wish from last year.

Pregnant? We Can Help!

Yesterday I purchased a brand new reclining office chair with a built in massage function. So as I write this I'm feeling a very relaxing sensation on my lower back paired with a very annoying humming sound. I'm not sure if the trade off is worth it, but I'll be sure to let you know.

Anyway, on my way back from Office Max, I passed by a Salvation Army building with a sign posted out front that read: "Pregnant? We can help!"

Now I understand what the intended purpose of this message is. I know that this sign is for people who actually are pregnant and might need the comfort of knowing that if there ever was a problem the salvation army will be there to help. Very noble of them.

However, let's go the other way. Let's say that a young couple are driving by after a month long of failed attempts at baby-making. They see the sign, "Pregnant?" No. Of course not. They've been trying so hard to get pregnant but Jimmy's sperm count is in the low teens. "We can help."

They can help. How? Do they have a magic means of increasing the amount of able bodied seamen in Jimmy's armada? Since it's a religious organization, did they find a way to impregnate Susie via the holy spirit? Is there a big guy named Frank whose count is in the upper trillions who will, for charity, bone Jimmy's wife. It's for a good cause!

In fact, that's a brilliant idea. Ladies, anyone wanna go halvsies on a kid?