Christmas Countdown Day 4: Backdoor Santa

It's not that I don't respect Bon Jovi. I do. You've gotta respect the Jovi. It's just that sometimes he makes it really really really hard to. Really. Let's take Backdoor Santa for example.

Now Backdoor Santa sounds like it should be a Wham! song, but it's not. This is a song about a guy who always gives it up for a touch of the younger kind. (My Sharona... ma-ma-ma My Sharona)

I'm actually at a loss on this one. With lines like "I keep the little girls happy while the little boys are away." and "I kept that door open, in case anyone smells a mouse." Sure you MIGHT be able to interpret this song as a guy who dresses up as Aanta and goes around fucking married women. which only makes the song mildly more palatable.

When I hear this song I envision a guy dressed up as Santa scanning MySpace profiles for "sexy" 13-Year olds. He finds one, PrtyPnyGril94. They talk for a while and eventually end up setting up a sex date at her place.

Our santa, who goes by BckdrSnta69 arrives at the little girl's house and is led to the backyard wehre she has made some frozen lemonade. He sits down as asks if she wants to sit on his lap. She giggles and says "Hold on, let me go change into my bathing suit." BckdrSnta69, laughs a jovial "Ho Ho Ho. And says that she had better hurry or she'll go on his naughty list." She laughs and calls from inside the house, "I thought you want me to be naughty!" "Yes... Joy to the World! That'd be wonderful!"

Then Dateline's Chris Hansen comes around a corner. "Hi there. "

"Oh shit," would reply our predator. "You're fucking Chris Hansen from Dateline! I knew it!"

"Can I ask what you're doing here?"

"I, uh, I came to visit my friend, but, uh, he's not home yet so his daughter let me in."

"Uh huh... let's see what you have in your bag..."

"Oh christ..."

Chris Hansen opens up Santa's sac and finds, amongst other things, condoms and lubricant. "You aren't here to see a friend. You're here to have sex with that girl. Let's see what you said in the chat? 'I want to slide down your chimney while your sleeping and eat your cookies.' What does that even mean?"

"I just..."

"She's 13 years old."

"I... I screwed up. I really did."

"I just want to tell you that I'm Chris Hansen and you're being videotaped for To Catch a Predator. You can leave anytime you want."

Backdoor Santa would leave and be immediately arrested by authorities.

The fact Jet thought this song was good enough to cover makes me want to vomit kittens