Christmas Countdown Day 6: Funky Funky Christmas

Ahh, 1989. What a eventful year. The Berlin wall began to crumble at the hands of a long oppressed people. An earthquake measuring a 7.1 on the Richter scale hits the San Fransisco area right before Game 3 of the World Series becoming the first major Earthquake ever to be recorded on live TV. It was in 1989 that a lone Chinese student stood against a swarm of tanks, inspiring an entire world to stand for what they believe in.

This year also marks the release of the New Kids on the Block Christmas album, "Merry Merry Christmas" featuring covers of classic Christmas standards including "The Little Drummer Boy," "The Christmas Song," and a cover of "White Christmas" that I believe to be directly responsible for Irving Berlin's death a mere three days after this album was released of a heart attack. I'm not making that up.

It also features some original material including "This One's for the Children," "I Still Believe in Santa Clause" and today's featured tragedy, "Funky, Funky, Xmas"

This song features these would be has-beens (which isn't fair, Donnie did go on to be the cop from the Saw movies) white-rapping about how Santa is bored with Christmas and wants to have a funky Christmas instead. What makes this interesting is that this song is very much the diametric opposite of funky. This is made obvious due to aforementioned fact that this song features the New Kids on the Block rapping about Christmas.

They each get their turn in the spotlight. Jordan K feels Christmas and asks Santa to "kick the ballistics," which I assume is in reference to his plea for peace in the world, no more bombs or missiles or... wait. Never mind it's a clever play on words, he actually wants Santa to kick his brother in the balls. Which he apparently does because he's the only member to not have his own bit in this piece. He's also the only one not to go on to be in the entertainment industry. He now sells real estate.

Joey McIntyre, or as I like to call him, "Stupid McFattypants" (Aren't I clever), has maybe one of the best bits. He spins a yarn of how he came downstairs and saw Santa, who was none to happy with him I can tell you. Apparently Joey had left the fireplace on and as a result Santa scorched his ass. The moral of the story: Turn the fireplace off. >When they performed this song on Arsenio Hall Joey was the one that sucked extra hard (which, I heard, is how he made the super-group in the first place.)

Danny explains to us that while he's in town he's getting down to the Christmas beat and then shows that Snowing, Throwing, Showing and ho-ho-hoing aren't just rhymes but rather FRESH rhymes.

Which must be the case because then Donnie (in his best Mark Mark impression) tells us that it should be impossible to boo this funky dope jam if he's doing it. Which is interesting because I find the fact that any of them are doing this insanely easy to boo, if it weren't for the fact that I never actually say Boo. I usually just point and laugh...

HA! HA! HA! HA!