Christmas Countdown Day 5: Christmas Shoes

I'm not a heartless man. I think it's that very reason that I hate with a capital H A T and E the Christmas Shoes song.

If you haven't heard this song yet you haven't been listening. It's a bout a little boy who is trying to buy a pair of shoes for his mom for Christmas because she's going to die any minute and he wants her to look pretty for Jesus. He doesn't have enough money so the guy behind him in line, our gullible singer, buys them for him.

Let's forget the fact that this could easily be one of the greatest Christmas scams of all time! Let's forget the fact that the kid waited until Christmas Eve to get her the shoes so his mom would look pretty when she died, which could be any day now. If she kicked it before Christmas Jesus might send her to hell, what with not having the right shoes on.

Let's forget all of that.

I don't think I have ever in the the history of my life heard a Christmas song that is designed specifically for the purpose of masterbating our heart strings. This song is the blow up doll of carols. The dildo of yuletide tunes. The Fleshlight of Holiday Cheer. There's no heart in this song, whatsoever. It makes me cry that this song makes people cry.


In preparation for this write-up I checked out the video on Youtube. It consists of clips from the CBS special staring Rob Lowe and one guy singing while the rest of his band sits around, obviously disgusted that they're part of this tripe.


But the best part is that the premise of the song is that the kid wants to buy these shoes for his mom so she looks beautiful when she dies and sees the Baby Jesus in heaven. So he goes and finds what could possibly be the ugliest shoes I have ever seen in my life, thinking that that oughta do the trick. HA!

The moral of the song is that it is supposed to remind us what Christmas is all about... buying shoes. Kelly was right.